I tried to cut it out—to stop the rapids from rushing the empty. A tsunami simmered beneath tiny ripples, I said, ‘Let’s stop’, and goodbyes in other words. Because saying it caught like barbed wire in my soft throat, “I feel for you”. I knew you felt nothing. Goodbyes stuttered at the ends of my thumbs because I felt what I considered long dead…. Until we kissed…I was a dead thing, perhaps a mirror of you. Tattered fragments scattered across the basin, worn and ground, fine and sharp after too many storms, too much friction, too much pain, fleshless broken bones—just sand. Then my heart woke, and my soul burst in Aurora—electromagnetic, chemical awakening— I was powerless. But I was just a child with her imaginary friend making sandcastles. I have a habit of loving those that can’t love me back—dead things too shattered to fly. I thought I was one of them….Then we kissed. I tried to say goodbyes in too many other words when I realised what you were between the lines, when the flowers I laid upon you withered and your pretence slipped. You were bored and I was a fidget toy within your reach. The sweetness masking the bitter fast dissolved. I tried to accept the end of your mornings and silence of nights, then you’d say, ‘Let’s do’ but we never did—you’d bail because of some unforeseen that I foresaw every time I said with hope, “yes”. I accepted your literal words to my catastrophe. Now I’m hurt by the inevitable absence—the ghost I knew you’d become but hoped you wouldn’t. I foresaw it through the hope I was encouraged to dress in. You never really existed.
Emotional immaturity, lack of self-awareness and lack of accountability. When he calls her crazy, wheels out his stories of psychos and other such variants — ask of his actions that instigated her reactions. He’ll not be able to answer, at least not truthfully, because that would mean being honest with himself. The ego prefers those lights off. Instead, believe that he is so desirable; simply existing drives any woman crazy. If asked, though, he may anger at the audacity of being questioned. He’s even the victim in his mind, and he’ll tell himself another story — how dare she, another fucking psycho.
Years later, he’ll return, peering around corners, lurking behind a screen, fingering old pictures, wondering where she went. He’s alone in his asylum of echos.
Of course, he/she is interchangeable, but it dominates, as noted. Just consider even recent 19th-century history, with a pandemic of sorts and a surge of women being diagnosed with Hysteria and other so-called ‘mental disorders’ for not meeting man’s mark of what is considered reasonable, sane, and well-behaved.
But back to the top, flip the narrative and consider each in equal measure. The truth is often somewhere between — hanging in tatters of opposing communication styles, the shredded ribbons of whys, and paragraphs wedged between the lines.
Suppose we scrape back a little and admit the chemical truth; that although of the same species, the sexes are inherently wired differently. It’s not just physiological; it’s chemical (hormonal) and psychological. We’re not the same. We are not equal. Understanding and empathy can go a long way, but tired, pre-conditioned, defensive, and damaging routes are sadly still more frequently trodden. Footprints smash and merge on that sad muddy path. Nothing grows there.
Popular culture, including methods of control wheeled out by religious and governments, have fed into the tropes that categorise the ill-expressed emotionless and logical male as somehow strong and superior and the overly emotional, sensitive female as unreasonable and, yes, psychotic. And within our sexes, we even betray ourselves. Yes, the external gaslighting happens within the borders too. It’s a fucked up mess to untangle and rework. Neither perpetrator likes to be called out, but that does not mean they shouldn’t.
Unless one is willing to open their eyes and look through a few other lenses, what’s the point? There’s no use in rinsing if one is doomed to repeat.
As with monotheism, the narrow, single-track pathway does not stimulate growth, enlightenment, wisdom, and fulfilment. I line those things up side-by-side because love and sex are profoundly spiritual and primal. Minimising and restricting the human experiences of those things is developmentally devastating to the brief human experience. It dumbs us down, numbs us. The nuances of our needs in love and sexual desires are too complex to be satisfied and advanced in a mono union (confinement).
When openness and confident communication are embraced, there’s no room for liars, mistrust, or cheats; there’s just love and true evolving connection.
I need to run in the woods—to feel the earth caress and cut my feet, the bark scratch his claws down my pale back, the rain pat at my face and tangle my hair, and the air lash my body with a thousand desperate kisses.
Into the sea of a billion similar blog posts on the state of ‘dating’, here’s my crumb to be dissolved in the salt. I’m sore, so I’m hitting the innie hard, which usually means I go out of direct contact except for a teeny few for a bit.
I’ve spent most of my teen and adult life in a relationship thus my experience with being single is limited. There have only been a few small windows. It seems that there are many of us in my generation (middle-aged, single), and I don’t believe it’s because people lack anything from previous generations for LTRs to stick. I think it’s more that we’re developing more self-respect for personal needs than being sacrificed to unhappy, uncommunicative, sometimes abusive, neglectful, and unfulfilling institutions, of which there seem to be many. My last relationship spanned 16 years, of which I was monogamous, so it had been a fair while since I dipped my toes into the pool!
I had a brief flurry on a particular app — chatted to a few folks; some seemed decent, but others were a fucking shambles. I’m not sure when it became acceptable to ask if a woman wants to eat your ass in a greeting, but there seems to be more of those clods than decent folks on the apps. The way they speak over text would never happen in real life. It’s fucking nuts. And there are the time wasters who are bored, probably married (and not open), and want to chat but never meet. (I understand why pages like ‘Are we dating the same guy/girl exist?’. Sadly, they have to and probably create as many problems as they highlight.) And, of course, there’s the torrential onslaught of egomania DPs and selfies—men being more visual, this seemed more a male thing. Women connect differently. Many seem slow to learn that—that’s one to teach our sons.
I didn’t go more than ankle deep and quickly decided—fuck that, and shut it down. I don’t imagine ever returning to those avenues (I may get more chickens). In theory, it’s such a fun and efficient idea to meet folks looking for the same things, but it’s riddled with liars.
What the actual fuck?
Anyway, after that, there was an accident, not from the dating apps. We actually met in person, and I stupidly caught feelings and hurt myself. Is this a right of passage? Does it mean I’m now totally part of the 21st century and the death of human connection? Where heavy contact and mixed signals, then nothing are the norm?
I might have been a boredom breaker, like you’d give to a dog—chewed up, spat out, tossed to be forgotten under the sofa, now onto the next shiny toy to rip apart.
It’s depressing the state human connection and communication has gotten into with regards to romance, sex, and any new relationship (or situationship now?) that involves exploring and engaging with one or both of those things.
It’s fucked, isn’t it? It’s not even a question. I know it is.
Personally, being of a HSP, empathic, introverted nature—it is hell, and we are screwed. Quick! Grab all the books and head to the woods! I either feel nothing or I feel it all intensely, and I read and soak in the emotional energy of others with whom I directly connect. With this, I am immensely lucky in the very close friendships I have. Unlucky in the other.
My nature has been weaponised against me in the past, particularly in relationships. I’m ashamed to admit that I’ve allowed emotional manipulation to steal years of my life. Time is life; it’s all we get. The quality and authenticity of the connections we make matter. When there are shifts in emotional energy, there’s a very direct impact. Those three personality traits interlink heavily with the physical. When HSPs are emotionally messed around, we feel it everywhere: we can’t sleep, how we feel is deafening and consuming, we get stuck in conversations in our heads (even ones that haven’t happened. The words unuttered become haunting ghosts), and we beat ourselves up.
Over recent years, I’ve been trying to manage these things better, and this year, I made a conscious effort to try to implement self-care and regulation so I can support better mental health. That self-work really is so important for all of us. The more sensitively, empathetic natured tend to sacrifice that naturally to support the energy of those we feel connected to. It’s not an easy trait to snap out of. Work is continuous.
It’s not about being ‘too sensitive’ or having to ‘harden up’ as I, and I know others of a similar cut, would have heard growing up. Honestly, I’m not 100% sure what the solution is because right now, I’m in ‘shut everything down!’, ‘raise the drawbridge!’, ‘flood the fucking moat!’, and ‘stay away from all people!’ mode. Defensive. But we shouldn’t have to live that way. And I know that mindset creates trouble when the fort is battened down too hard….
Fuck. I hate this feeling.
‘The mouth of the wolf, the eyes of the lamb’ —Rain, SleepToken
English particularly causes such passionate debates. Many folks have definitive rules in their minds—especially those of us working in literature—regardless of which wrung we stand.
I am a massive fan of dialects in life and literature. It’s something that took me a long time to appreciate. As a child, I was taught that regional dialects were a bastardisation of English—they were regarded as dirty. And my young brain felt this to the core—I was stupid or dirty to speak it. This conditioning ran deep, to the point my ears winced towards hearing my own tongue spoken. Growing up in east Glasgow, I was in perpetual horror about how we spoke—our nature, our dialect and culture. I hate that I bought into this attitude hammered in by teachers from such a tender age—devastatingly poor teaching. It prompts self-hate that poisons roots. It’s archaic; the flogging for the so-called incorrect use of English has created ruin in countries like my own. It’s wiped out beautiful languages, demolishing roots of nations and cultures that should have been embraced. The Celtic nations around England have felt this deeply.
In writing, clever use of dialect, particularly in dialogue, adds character authenticity—showcasing communicative repertoire as displayed in real-life. And I am not against it in the narration either, if it fits the work, showcase that diversity with confidence.
Not all readers will ‘get it’, unless it’s a dialect they have experienced. Here, there is a preference for proper English, i.e. Standard British, American or Canadian English. Where the use of non-standard variants, dialects and colloquialisms are branded as errors and bad English. This labelling displays a lack of understanding, ignorance and/or prejudices, or simply the increased reading challenge can create a defensive attitude in a reader. People often feel stupid when they don’t understand something they think they should, so instead of putting the work in, the go-to is to attack the writer for their use of improper language. I’ve struggled too but taking in a piece that incorporates real-life diversity colours literature in a way that standardising the use of English can never do. Writing, storytelling, communication is an art-form — it’s not a flat pack piece of furniture that must be constructed one way. This is especially true of fiction writing. Embracing linguistic diversity is how we can travel the world together without leaving the reading nook. This is how we learn. And no one is above that. Language and how we communicate are ever-changing, and why shouldn’t they?
Gatekeepers of English, who respect and guard the practice of Standard English only, don’t understand or appreciate the beautiful complexity of diversity in language.
Self-Publishing and submitting; what I’ve learned so far, which admittedly, may not be much. It is what it is.
I’ve never considered traditional publishing, potentially because I can be a bit of a control freak (I hate waiting) coupled with a (sometimes stubborn) passion for self-learning and autonomy. In my view, it seems that there’s a lot of faff down the traditional route to wade through; from finding an agent and/or finding publishers that align with your style/genre/concepts. Jumping through many hoops for potential (likely) repeat rejection. Not that rejection is a bad thing, that too can be a very useful, if not utterly essential, learning and evolution tool. Then there’s if you’re accepted, you may have to change your writing significantly to fit into someone else’s ideals and target audience — a form of censorship and creative dilution, absolutely. Of course, I’m sure when (if) you get through the hoops, the potential for higher earnings and being considered a reputable writer because you’ve been approved and accepted by a higher power may well be worth the faff and hoops. Personally, all that feels like an elitist, bureaucratic headache for the most part.
Self-publishing has a lot of stigma thanks to the structure and standards set by publishing powerhouses. It’s a reflection of many of the institutions of life; be approved by the institution to be accepted by the masses, or you’re worthless. Music is like that too right. I don’t buy it, do you? I’ve read my fair share of tripe churned out by traditional publishers (sometimes due to who the author knows more than what they write), I’ve worked with highly educated fools who think their PhD gives them superiority even with a gross lack of real-life or business experience. They got approved, though. Better than you off the bat, right? Nope, I’m not buying that either. It filters right down through parenting as well — inescapable — must tick the boxes. All a despicable institutionalised, ritualised validation process, a façade that ignores the real nitty-gritty and that thing again — autonomy, passion, grit and authentic nurturing, in life as indeed art. Like the paper, age does not always bring wisdom, especially when one is stunted in their sole path and idealised view, selectively dismissing poorer choices. Or indeed highly institutionalised, even when it comes straight from the patriarchy (or matriarchy in some instances).
To self-publish, there are more and more platforms arising to help support and facilitate those with the desire to do this. There’s a load of work involved, even with a decent host. One must consider the writing, first and foremost, then, of course, there is editing, cover design (eBook/audio/paperback/hardback), book design, formatting, layout (yes, there are some basic standards for that, in respect of front-matter, back-matter, copyright declaration and numbering), narrator/producer (if producing audio). Sure some make it appear easy, but it’s far more involved than many may expect – it’s seen as the easy route to publication after all, right? Wrong. All of this takes time, dedication, learning and money. Of course, corners can be trimmed, but that will affect the end product. And we cannot forget attracting readers and reviewers to the work once it is out there — marketing really is another beast in itself. No, self-publishing is not easy by any stretch. Accessible — yes, easy — no.
I started self-publishing to get to know the process, and while I do love it, I’ve found much value to be gained in submitting pieces to small press and indie publishers. Gaining contacts, connecting with different audiences and driving creativity by rising to challenges I may not have considered solely. I’m not driven by pressure, and much prefer to go with the proverbial flow. There’s no cut and dry Pro-forma of right and wrong when it comes to art, creating it, and sharing it. It comes down to trying different things, and seeing which one resonates and fits with your flow best. In dealing with other publishers, I have quickly established in mind traits that I like and those which are huge turn-offs for me as a (submitting) writer. It’s fair to say once you begin submitting, you’d be mad not to have a ‘list’. Here are a few things that have landed publishers on mine after submission, which ultimately boils down to etiquette and communication:
Poor communication. Submission guidelines are not only a way for publishers to outline what they want and specify the format, but it’s also a key component for publishers to manage writer’s expectations upfront. What I find massively disrespectful is publishers who don’t respond to a submission – it doesn’t have to be big; a quick ‘thanks but no thanks’ is better than zilch. That’s just rude.
I don’t like arrogance and indie publishers mimicking traditional publishers – if I wanted that, I’d chase traditional.
When a call says ‘No simultaneous submissions’ but a publisher holds a piece too long, only to reject it, thus removing opportunities for the work to be considered elsewhere. If ‘No simultaneous’ is stipulated – considerations and responses should be swift.
Editorial changes and queries – I’ve had pieces published with errors that were not present when I submitted, and the queries ignored. Again, poor communication adds to the uphill battle many indies (writers and publishers alike) face. Sometimes support is as simple as acknowledging and owning mistakes.
While I can’t speak for traditional from any sort of experience, other than a reader, it is clear that one size does not fit all — in writing, publishing and indeed life. Sometimes one has to stop dreaming and just do it. Leaving expectations at the door. Jump in, flail around a bit, get over the panicked shock of ice-cold and learn to swim — however that looks. Jump back out and watch by the edge for a bit if you have to breathe again.
But don’t be afraid to at least try. As a good friend of mine often says — fuck it!
Clan Witch & Word Refinery 